kdsburneraccount

Hello hello I am back (beating the dead horse that is my Falcons fanfic I posted two years ago) (being in China will not stop me from being annoying about it I fear)

Not sure I have much to say about this fic that I haven’t covered last year. So I’ll look at the write-up I did last year to amend aspects of it, as a meta of the meta, or something. Not gonna add a lot bc honestly I think I was pretty thorough last year, so yeah.

Here’s what I wrote last year, with comments from some people I felt comfortable sharing the document at the time: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1isQQjksBSPvhRY-F6eIbjLL5VLmA2ZPP3a5JV24nrvw/edit

I think I’m more comfortable now with getting weird with it on main, or at least like sharing more stuff I used to hold to myself. Which is weird coming from someone who has posted explicit fanfiction under their account but I digress. Anyways, the commentary on the commentary:

I do still maintain that the fic is pretty distinct; the premise stands out for sure, and it’s a sufficient length to flesh out things. Still don’t know what else I would’ve titled the fic besides what I picked, though I still think there could’ve been a better title. However, it is too late at this point, so it is what it is.

Maybe I should delve into my Matt/Julio fascination… I mean it all started with this lovely article by the Falcoholic. I thought Matt Ryan seemed like a cool guy, so I read some stuff about him and the Falcons and then fell into the narrative. The rest is documented in my direct messages with my good friend on Discord, back in… oh gosh, December of 2020. Actually kind of insane I have shipped this for that long.

I wasn’t even the first one to write for this pairing, because there was a Wattpad fic with this ship (and the fic was from… 2017? 2018? May have been even earlier, actually). Unfortunately, it was deleted and I didn’t archive it. I do still have a link but at this point it’s probably useless. Anyway, the fic was titled “Fairy Tale” and featured Matt as the somewhat silly prince of some kingdom and Julio as one of the guards of the kingdom. Matt is in an arranged marriage to someone and is in love with Julio, but Julio is married and has a family. Matt then gets killed for some reason. I think because he does something really dumb and doesn’t want to live anymore. It’s been a while since I’ve read, but yeah. Even then people knew Matt/Julio had to be sad and unrequited 😭 like man. One day I WILL write something happy about them.

But yeah, I may have been the first person to post hanahaki disease to the NFL tag. Shoutout Hockey RPF, and a bunch of other fandoms I’ve seen with that premise. 

The beginning is still alright. I sometimes write dual POVs in a story because it’s interesting to me, so here it kind of establishes a prologue-ish vibe and probably dramatic irony. The jump to Julio’s perspective felt a little bit jarring when I was rereading but in the overall flow of the story it’s probably okay.

I still like the line about Matt’s teeth being “neat and straight and white” I fear… like yes it’s on the nose but only in fanfic will you have characters making such astute observations about another person’s features. Would reword some other stuff about his appearance though.

There’s some good moments in the parts where Matt and Julio spend time reading over the playbook (courtesy of articles from that time detailing the fact they were interacting like that). Definitely could’ve added a moment or two where Julio gets a thought about Matt, but I thought that might’ve been too fast to develop the attraction (irony bc this is fanFICTION. But Julio seems the type to develop his feelings slowly). Also I wasn’t sure how to write about Matt being attractive in a way that would be not cringy. However, I have now accepted cringe so it’s fine. We move. I have developed in my writing abilities.

I was like 12 when I wrote this (not actually) so honestly the thought of them having sex was not in my head. And also the friend I gifted the fic to was younger than me so it would’ve been weird to include as a present. Unfortunately the friend is inactive online now 😔 I miss talking to them but we move actually. If you look at this without considering context you could say Julio being new to the feeling of being in love makes sense because of his upbringing (football is life, needed to think about things other than romance because his mom had to work multiple jobs to provide for his athletic and he wanted to stay out of trouble). And then along comes this slightly older quarterback who’s nice and makes Julio feel like he can spend a while on this team and… yeah. If I wrote this today I would probably get into the more unhinged aspects of pining but here it’s fairly straightforward pining. Like I think on one hand the suffering might be too much, considering these are grown men. At the same time, the angst is good! I guess it’s about the balance between making something horribly depressing and going overboard.

The “does he know” excerpt… I have the sense of humor of a 13 year old actually. I am so sorry.

Okay mention of ethics of RPF and non-famous family members… in my opinion it’s fine to include non-famous family members. People know it’s fictional, for the most part. And also what exactly is the extent of non-famous, because if you are including the wife of an athlete, then that individual has probably been subject to some publicity. I guess wives don’t really count when they talk about “non-famous”… when it comes to wives/real life partners being involved in fanfic I really don’t care in the grand scheme of things. Me personally reading something with infidelity is a no go but fic is a space to explore some topics and if you wanna do that… more power to you! I won’t let my personal opinions on the matter stop it. You can definitely write a good fic that can delve into the headspace of a person without having to include family. However in my opinion upbringing informs character and if you want to explore some topics you are bound to rpf-ify some family members. Maybe it’s a skill issue for me, but I think when ur subjecting public figures to various wild fantasies having a family member be some side character is pretty whatever. RPF is a fandom space so the subject of RPF being exposed to it is sort of on them. I’m pretty lax when it comes to RPF etiquette so honestly people can do whatever as long as they’re not sending it to the subjects. And if you’re uncomfortable at the idea of them seeing it, then lock it. 

Anyways where was I… oh yeah Julio and his relationship with his mom, because his dad wasn’t present in his life. Aka the thing that centralizes my headcanon that he may have daddy issues. My way of rationalizing why he would like Matt, besides the general pleasantness. One of those things I would probably elaborate on if I wrote the story today 🤔  as well as exploring some intersections between growing up in a primarily black community with certain ideas of masculinity, and how being gay conflicts with those ideas. But at the same time, I do worry that I do not have the sufficient level of nuance to write it well. Fanfic doesn’t have to be that deep, I think I read too much into what I write and make things too complicated for myself.

If I liked cards more I could’ve probably expanded on the whole thing where Julio plays cards with Matt. Like form some more interactions that make me go “okay, there is a bond.” I may be reading too deeply into fanfic again, at the end of the day if the grammar and plot are decent then most people will like it.

2012 NFC Championship Game scene where Matt asks Julio if he’s seeing anyone still eats actually… like man (pats self on the back). Hospital scene that got cut out… I think I worried this would come across too like, sad for the sake of being sad. Kind of like “A Little Life,” or something. Me and the conflict of not wanting to make the grown athletes come across too pathetic for wallowing in their emotions. Common theme in my current works in progress, actually. Probably best to ignore those doubts and go all out with the dramatics. Like we all know the players wouldn’t actually act like this but it’s fun to imagine.

Anyways yeah Matt is kinda there I guess. Sorry dad, you are the cause of all this emotional damage but you are so unaware of it. Not your fault! But man. I don’t think I would be able to handle Matt having feelings for Julio here because he’s married and it wouldn’t be fair to Julio literally getting sick over him. For a second I thought about Matt having hanahaki but eh… I think this is fine. 

I think this is about it, in terms of stuff on my mind. I will try to update my Dreamwidth more often in 2024, or at least write more entries I’m comfortable with making public. Thank you to whoever is reading this!